Merry Christmas

Right now it's christmas morning, and already my mom and I have gotten into an argument. Over, you guessed it, my hair. It started off as just a pesky suggestion, that I shampoo my hair (I already co-washed it yesterday and was waiting to shampoo it with a new shampoo I bought from carol's daughter). Every time she wants to do something to my hair it involves heat or some other form of texture altering, and I'm not feeling that at all. I want to transition into this with no heat, and no "help" (relaxer) from her. She insists that she's going to have to hotcomb my roots, and I'm beyond irritated with that. She says she's tired of seeing my hair broken off...news flash, it's still going to be broken off after the roots are straightened, it's just going to be choppy hair with straight roots which to me is even worse than it is now. She said she's been letting what I've been doing "slide" but now she "doesn't care what I want" and will do my hair whenever/however she likes. No. Nope, absolutely not. She's been straightening my hair ever since I can remember, and that's no exaggeration. I literally cannot remember a time where my hair wasn't straightened by hair in some form--hot comb or relaxer. She doesn't understand that by forcing me to straighten my hair now, she's telling me to change the way I am naturally (no pun intended). That the way God made my hair is unacceptable and flawed and needs to be altered by human hands to flourish. Yes, I wanted to tell her that today--but I couldn't. It's Christmas and honestly I think I'd break her heart if I told her that she was the reason I have low self esteem and am not comfortable with myself. So we argued and I told her I'm not ready to talk to her. Thus silence and a lot of tension on this Christmas day. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop transitioning. Not for her, or for anyone else! That's my Christmas miracle, my near year's resolution...my everything. I'll be sorry later.
-Merry Christmas!

Oh, Mother...

So today Nana walked in my room. Nothing unusual about that, she's always invading my space. In the hallway is a trash bag about half full. It's filled with weave. All the weave I own save one little hairpiece (which I'm forced to use now because my hair has fallen out so much from, you guessed it, weave). She asked if I was throwing it all away to which I casually replied yes. She said she wanted to buy me more weave and I cut her off
"I don't want anymore, at this point I've spent more money on weave than I have on actual hair products and that's a bad sign."
She's always telling me my hair is to thick and that it either needs a perm or to be hotcombed. It's really a blow to my self-esteem every time she says stuff like that. Like the hair God gave me is too much to deal with and that there's no way it can flourish without heat training or chemicals. She keeps trying to coax me into forgetting going natural. She keeps saying she wants to "put perm in my hair 'til I'm grown." And I just don't dig that. Why make me rely on the creamy crack all my teenage life and then throw me out into the world not knowing how to take care of my own damn hair? Especially since I plan to study abroad, this is not a good idea. If her idea of doing my hair is straightening it or relaxing it...then I definitely do not need her doing my hair. So what if this whole natural thing doesn't work out? At least by the time I go to college I will know that and won't waste my even more precious time and money on failed attempts to cultivate my mane. Taking care of my hair won't be easy since I have not gotten the practice other people have, but I'm still going to do it anyway. The fact that everyone thinks my hair is too nappy to grow naturally without the help of chemicals is one of my inspirations to go natural. I want to have a chance to actually see what God gave me. It is SO sad that I have not even seen my hair in its natural state. Ever. It has never happened and the fact that it's growing is making me so excited. I don't mind being awkward/ugly/whatever this year. I may not even go to formal, lol. I just want to be comfortable with myself and I can't do that until I know what I am in my  truly natural state.

Transitioning to Natural: A letter to myself if I make it through this

Considering this will be my first blog post, it should be easy to find years from now. 
Dear Me,
Hopefully throughout these years you have learned how to be a nicer person, a better christian, and a more patient girl. One who has mastered the art of love and discretion. One who has become less jealous and more forgiving. However, this isn't to make you feel bad if you have not yet become all of those things. This is to remind you of the tacit promise you made to yourself your sophomore year of highschool before finals--the promise that you would never give up on your hair journey or become one of those people satisfied with mediocrity. Hopefully when you read this two years from now (or one year if you get impatient and can't wait)  you remembered that the purpose of this was to be naturally you, and a better Christian. To get rid of society's results and implications on you and to be naturally beautiful and accepting of all of your imperfections. This was the day you gave up makeup (except for formal) and vowed to never have to wear weave again unless it was by choice. You have been masking everything that makes you uncomfortable, and today was the day you decided that you have to be honest with yourself. I hope you're proud of where you have ended up and remember that Jesus loves you oh so very much. I know this probably didn't make a lot of sense, but it had to be done.